Sunday, September 7, 2008

The beginning

The verse I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14 became a daily devotional for me back in September 2007. I had a miscarriage over Labor Day weekend and when I returned to work reciting it, and meditating over its' meaning gave me comfort. Gradually the verse was replaced with the thought God's grace-It 's by God's grace that I was given the pregnancy and it was by God's grace (even though I was ignorant of the purpose) that the pregnancy had ended. Knowing these things helped me to move through the grief and focus on my life at hand (caring for 4 kids ages 11, 6,5 and 1 at the time).

This was an early miscarriage (in my 1st trimester) so physically I bounced back without a blink. Don't get me wrong I realized that my ability to deal with everything as I had was not typical; and all I can say it was by God's grace. This was not my first or even my second miscarriage; so I am familiar with the grief . My first loss was at a time that I was unsaved and I was angry over the loss. With my subsequent losses I had some common grace and was able to find "meaning" in them. This was the first time I had experienced a loss having saving grace and being a Christian mother. I believe this accounts for the difference as well. Anyhow we had a lot going on the usual things the start of kindergarten for one child, another child going to a new school after being home schooled; pre school; family activities.. you know the drill.

We also had an ongoing trial with our 6 year old. We had raised him from birth as our son, but in fact he is our nephew. The adoption process that was started within hours of his birth remained incomplete for reasons beyond our control. Things progressed to the point that we were preparing for him to leave our home. So in summary at the beginning of the year (as a mom I go by a school year calendar) we lost a child to a miscarriage and then at the end of the year (July) we were expected to lose another by way of parental rights. Lots of stress...I didn't have time to focus on feeling bad.

Which is probably why I hadn't noticed the signs and symptoms of a new pregnancy. Wonderfully within in days of our loss I became pregnant again. We didn't discover the pregnancy until a bit later, but this was the start of a journey that we could have never imagined.

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