Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Living without door handles

Alyssa had a good day. The following is just the emptying of my mind with a humble heart. Please know I don't claim to know it all but as you'll see I'm willing to share what I know.. walking my son to his bus stop this morning a wisp of crisp cool air moved across my face, it tickled my neck lightly flowed downwards against my spine causing me to shiver. Then almost in unison my son and I said "..it's getting cold" and instantly I thought but it's July! I literally stopped in my tracks thinking to myself no no no NO it's a not July it's a it's a November? My minds voice rising an octave because I wasn't quiet sure,then confirmed my question by I scanning the near naked trees, yeah falls here it is November. Remember we did the candy treasure hunt a few weeks back, and the harvest party at school it is fall. My thoughts wandered on about fall for what seemed like minutes but was actually only a few seconds, I know because I easily fell back in step with my son who had begun moving more quickly in hopes that it would be warmer closer to his stop. Or maybe he was hoping the bus would come more quickly if he looked like he was ready to board. Whichever all I knew was that it is possible to live life in such a manner that it stands still and moves at hyper speed all at once. I know this because I live it everyday.

My husband had taken a few days off from work prior to Alyssa's birth. We planned on painting our hallway, the trim in the surrounding areas, in addition to sanding, panting and placing new handles in the doors. He removed 3 doors and got started. He was first side tracked by a great summer day tha we decided to a family thing figuring he'd make up the slack when I was in the hospital. So we had our bathroom door unhinged between workhorses on our porch for what we thought would be a day. I was going to be induced so we thought we had a general idea of how things would progress. We were wrong the bathroom door was rehung a week after Alyssa's birth with out door handles, just like the linen closet and a few other key doors; the painting remains too. It's as though it all stopped, but we are living through this at the same time. I know I'm not making sense I guess like many things door handles in the grand scheme of things really aren't that important in life.

Before my conversion reading the bible was like reading Greek. Now it's like a cool drink of water when I have a dry throat. Not that I understand all of it or the fullness of every verse but it brings comfort and peace. And yes I do have a better understanding of the words contained within. It is like being given a key and I am now able to open doors that before I could not. I've picked up the bible many of times during my unsaved days and but put it down again because it just didn't make sense~ it didn't speak to me. Today I better understand why many call the Bible the living word,(other than the fact that God is ever present, that Jesus lives) because it speaks to my pain, fear, or joy, my confusion, to me. If you have yet to experience this I know to you this may sound crazy but I hope that one day you'll come to understand my desperate attempt to explain what it is like to feel your spirit /soul renewed.

I went to church as a kid and liked it very much. By 7 or 8 had the books of the bible memorized and even earlier knew John 3:16 by heart (..for God so loved the world he sent his only begotten son..) but I missed out on having sound biblical teaching. I understand now how beneficial it would have been growing up. Even though I liked church by 14 I liked other things much more...Knowing God's word (knowing the bible) is a significant piece of the Christian walk. I turn to my bible for direction, and understanding. If I had, had better training as a younger person..well all I can say is knowing your bible is important and I'm still putting this statement to use..constantly learning verses for the 1st time as a result of this trial.

I am fortunate that the Lord knew my needs and saw fit to lead me to a church that not only practices sound biblical principals, but is focused on providing sound biblical teaching to all who come through the Lord's door~ not just adults and not just to those who are saved but to all. I came to worship there after a period of years that I thumbed my nose to the idea of worshiping the Lord in a church. I was "spiritual" and created my own ideas of how God wanted me to worship him~ I thought I knew better of what he wanted me to be or do~ I give thanks today that HE knew and provided a means for me to be saved.

I'm sharing this because today was an odd day. A day in which I took a look at my personal inventory. Some things I liked and was proud of and other things not so much. I think I was just trying to understand what am I doing here, really why I am here in this place in my life with this family these children..and what am I suppose to be doing for HIM (not so long ago I would have said doing for me) yes the Lord what does He want me to do? My life is about him or at least it should be. I wish I could say I always act in a manner that showed that I know this but bare bones it's true.

Whew Alyssa had physical therapy today and she enjoyed it so much. She smiled and cooed, stuck her tongue out with delight. Awesome. This from a girl who wasn't suppose to live but a few days, a girl who wasn't suppose to be able to recognize her parents..I am thankful for the Lord's wise placement of families/people in our family's' life that are experiencing similar trials. Some of whom are right in our own church and are shining examples of how to persevere, how to rely upon the Lord, and show that it is possible to get through the "I'm dying here" days. I am thankful for caring friends and family that have been constantly present following this blog and/or sharing their support~encouragement.

I know I've gone on for way too long and I'm all over the map today I'm asking for prayers to be said on behalf of our family and for the following while I may not always list a name as we know that Lord knows and we can just lift them up and He will do the rest: for Brandon; for a boy with diabetes and his family particularly giving his mom courage and strength; for a mom/wife with breast cancer that her chosen treatment will work and that she will be a BC survivor; for a husband/wife being content in the Lord's timing in granting them children and that the practical measures being taken will result in a healthy pregnancy;for Hannah, Brianna, Anabel,Kayden, Jennifer,Allissa, Bethany; for those caring for elderly parents; for our expectant moms and new mom (dads);and you

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! "Who has known the mind of the Lord?Or who has been his counselor?""Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?"For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen. Romans 11:33-36

1 comment:

  1. I am so glad I found your blog...we lost our first to Trisomy 18 at 37 weeks gestation. You have a beautiful family. Wishing you all blessings as you walk with walk with your Alyssa Grace.